It's been a while since I was the Girl on Fire
by birdsandtrees
Summary: It's been some time since Katniss has felt anything...when she breaks down completely, Haymitch is there to support her, as always. Please review and comment! Your feedback and constructive criticism means a lot!
1. Chapter 1

I needed to leave, so I thought of the one place I could go. The one person who had stayed the same over the past year. The only constant thing in my life: Haymitch. So I trudged through the snow in the middle of the night, making my way through the Victor's Village until I arrived at the familiar cottage. The lights inside were on, and I could see that a warm fire had been started, illuminating the family room with a comfortable glow. I had to knock a couple of times before the door swung open.

I looked at Haymitch, taking in his drunken state. His hair was a mess, the top two buttons of his shirt were missing, and he clutched a bottle of something, as if it was his lifeline. It probably was. He made some sort of grunt, and opened the door wider, allowing me to enter. He walked back to the kitchen, and I closed the door behind me. This had become a habit over the past few months: I would show up to his house, spend some time there, and then go back home. No questions asked. We understood each other that way. As I walked to the fireplace, my hip bumped into a side table that was supporting a bottle. I watched as the bottle tipped over, shattered onto the floor, and deep red wine spread all over the place.

"Good job sweetheart," Haymitch growled with cutting sarcasm. The words stung, and I could feel the tears filling my eyes and blurring my vision. The past year of my life had been a living hell. After the Games, I kept having terrible nightmares. I would see images of Rue, and then of Cato dying. Peeta remained by my side, but he wasn't the same. Then again, I wasn't the same either. And now, Haymitch had snapped at me for knocking over a bottle of his liquor, and I was on the brink of losing it.

I took a deep breath, and focused. My emotional state left me vulnerable, and exceptionally insecure. I was one step away from breaking. Before I knew it, I was sobbing uncontrollably. _Great, _I thought to myself, as I tried to calm myself down, but my attempts were futile. _You can never do anything right, Katniss. _I tried to lift myself up, but my muscles felt weak. I resorted to staying on the floor and picking up pieces of the shattered glass, trying to mutter an apology but all that came out of my mouth were loud sobs. I felt two muscular arms encase me, and before I could react, Haymitch pulled me to my feet. I remained in his arms, sobbing into his chest.

"Shhh, Katniss, it's okay," He whispered as he stroked my back, and tried to get me to calm down. I continued to cry, and eventually between hiccups, I managed to speak.

"I'm so sorry, I've been such a mess…I'm just so tired," I cried.

Haymitch's grip around me tightened, and I buried my face back into his chest. He continued to stroke my back until my sobbing stopped, and I took a deep breath. I looked up at his face, to see him looking back at me. I immediately looked back down, blushing. It was embarrassing to break down in front of anyone, especially Haymitch. He seemed to sense my thoughts, as he cupped his hands on my face, and pulled back slightly so that he could look at me.

"Sweetheart, you're going to be alright. I'm right here," He said.

It felt good to hear him call me sweetheart while meaning it. In fact, my heart quickened, and I felt a warm glow inside of me. As I looked up into his eyes, a new wave of boldness washed over me. I slowly tilted my face up and went on my tippy toes until we were at the same level. I watched as Haymitch stared intently at me, and then his eyes flickered towards my lips. He seemed to subconsciously draw me closer to him, as his arms tightened around my waist. We were only centimeters apart, when I closed the space between us and placed my lips on his. The kiss started off slow, and then quickly picked up in desperation. We both needed each other. As one of my hands remained tangled in his unkempt hair, and the other rested lightly on his chest, I felt sparks. He kissed me back with equal fervor, as one of his hands cupped my cheek. As we pulled apart, we both stared at each other, breathless. It had been a long time since I had felt something. My lips tingled and I watched Haymitch, as a genuine smile spread over both of our faces. Thanks to Haymitch, I was once again, the Girl on Fire.

**Reviews are greatly appreciated!**


	2. Chapter 2

Before the warm sensation could escape my lips, I went in for another kiss. I was desperate for acceptance and love. Those were two things I had been exceptionally deprived of lately. But before I could reach Haymitch's lips once more, I felt his strong hands on my arms, pushing me away roughly. I winced from the pain, as I backed away, flustered by what had just happened away. I watched as Haymitch turned himself away from me, and continued to breath heavily. Before I could control myself, I felt the tears overflowing and once again, I was sobbing.

I expected Haymitch to comfort me like he did the first time but instead, he refused to even look at me. My heart hurt from the rejection, and I managed to choke out,

"You don't want me either…I should just go," before I stumbled towards the door, and swung it shut behind me.

I ran through the snow, until I reached my own cottage, but I couldn't get myself to go inside. I stayed outside in the snow crying, until the cold became entirely unbearable. I went inside, and crawled into my bed. The sobbing had subsided, and now I was left with a splitting headache. "_Go to sleep, Katniss," _I thought to myself as I pulled the sheets over my body. It took about two hours before I managed to fall asleep.

I woke up in a cold sweat. I was shaking, the room seemed to be spinning around me. I had to take a couple of deep breaths before I could regain my thoughts. It was just a nightmare. I looked at the clock, and I saw that I only had an hour before I had to be awake, so I just stayed up. Before I knew it, the sun was rising and there was a knock on my door.

I opened it to see my wardrobe crew standing there in their flamboyant outfits and hairstyles. They groaned when they saw me, and wasted no time in inviting themselves into my cottage, and getting busy with making me more attractive. I laid there immobilized as they plucked my eyebrows and waxed my legs. Today was the day the tour started. We would make our way through each district, and eventually land in the Capitol, where there would be an extravagant feast held in our honor. Peeta and I would be the center of attention for the next two months, which means that our relationship would have to be as real as ever. Based on how things left off after the games, that would be virtually impossible.

When the stylists were finished, they wrapped my tingly and naked body in a robe, and sent me to my bedroom. There stood Cinna, along with three racks of intricate clothing all designed for me. I ran towards him, and enveloped him in a huge hug, as he laughed and hugged me back tightly. As we drew away, he looked into my eyes, and immediately asked,

"Didn't get much sleep last night?"

I simply nodded, not wanting to get into any details. He had already sensed that something was wrong, despite all of the makeup covering my face. As I shrugged, he whispered, "Whatever it is, don't keep it on your mind for too long, Katniss."

He knew that it would be a struggle for Peeta and I to convince all of Panem that our relationship was genuine. He was right…I had much larger problems to deal with. As I was being dressed, I convinced myself to forget about last night. It was just a kiss…and if anything, Haymitch was just being responsible. I couldn't blame him for that. Yet how could he do that to me? He would be lying if he said that he didn't put the same amount of passion into that kiss. Before any tears could be triggered, I blocked the thoughts from my mind and took a deep breath.

I looked at myself in the mirror, once again amazed by Cinna's choice. He had chosen to dress me in a light pink floral dress, with minimal makeup, and softly tousled hair. It screamed innocence and new beginnings: two things I absolutely craved for. It gave me confidence, and gave the Capitol citizens what they wanted: a pretty girl, with the equally handsome loverboy by her side. I thanked Cinna, and gave him one last warm hug before I was forced to step outside. I was accompanied until we reached the station, where a train was awaiting us. I looked around and caught Peeta's eye. He quickly looked away, which tore my heart, but also gave me the opportunity to fully take in his appearance.

He was dressed in a classy suit, much like the one he had worn on the way to the arena, and his hair looked soft and perfect in the sunlight. His muscular build remained the same, yet his face had shrunk over the past couple of months. The makeup did a good job of hiding the dark circles under his eyes, but could not conceal the emptiness in them. It had been such a long time since we had even spoken to each other. I couldn't blame him- after the stunt I had pulled during the games, of pretending to love him, I could hardly forgive myself.

Suddenly, Effie Trinket was by my side, praising me over my appearance. She was incredibly excited about the tour, in fact, she was the only one who was excited. As she continued to talk about the agenda for today, I tuned out until I heard a loud cough, and turned to see where the noise came from.

There stood Haymitch, carrying his usual look of drunkenness, yet as I looked up to his face, I saw an unknown expression play across his eyes. He turned away quickly, and boarded the train leaving me, Peeta, and Effie standing there. I quickly followed, and heard Peeta's footsteps behind me. We went to our respective rooms, and I decided to lie in my bed until I heard Effie's shrill voice calling us all to dinner. _Great Katniss, get ready for a long period of awkwardness over an extended amount of time… _I warned myself, as I stood up and made my way over to the dining room.

Everyone else had already gathered, and were serving themselves.

"Ah, Katniss there you are!" Effie exclaimed.

I watched Haymitch as his eyes flickered to mine, and then looked away just as quickly. I exhaled loudly and took my reserved seat, which was next to Peeta. He refused to look at me as well, and as dinner carried on, Effie was the only one who was speaking. Of course, she didn't seem to mind. Eventually, Peeta excused himself and Effie went to go get her planner, leaving Haymitch and I by ourselves.

"This can't go on any longer, Haymitch," I whispered to him across the table. He only raised his eyebrows in return.

This only irritated me further, so I decided to go for it.

"You can't tell me that you didn't feel anything last night." I said, desperate for some sort of response. Instead, what I got was silence.

Effie returned with her planner, ready to discuss how tomorrow would go, but I couldn't stay any longer. Before the tears could spill out of my eyes, I scooted my chair back and hurried to my room. I closed the door, and sank into my bed crying myself to sleep.

**Please please please review! Your comments and suggestions mean a lot to me! Constructive criticism makes me a better writer, and if you have any ideas for other stories, let me know! Thank you for taking the time to read my story **


	3. Chapter 3

I woke up in the morning with another throbbing headache. As I sipped on some water from the glass on my nightstand, I made a resolution to myself. I knew that there was no way I could stop thinking about Haymitch, and I couldn't lie to myself. I did, however, decide to put more effort into my relationship with Peeta. If I wanted to make our relationship believable for the public, I had to start somewhere. I dragged myself out of bed and decided to take a warm shower. I programmed the settings, and let the steaming hot water rinse away all of the tenseness in my muscles.

I stepped out of the shower and dressed myself in a simple outfit. I made my way outside to the dining area. Peeta and Effie were already there, discussing the schedule for today. Peeta's eyes flickered up towards mine, but this time he held his gaze. I cleared my throat and took my seat next to him.

"Oh Katniss there you are! I was just telling Peeta how our day will be spent in District 11," Effie said, in her distinctive Capitol accent.

I smiled and nodded slightly while serving myself some breakfast. Peeta seemed to be watching me carefully, and it made me a little nervous. I wasn't used to him actually looking at me anymore, as sad as that sounded. I really didn't want to go to District 11; that had been Rue's district… I would have to see her family, and it was just too painful to think about.

"I wonder where Haymitch is," Effie said, as she peered around the mahogany doors that enclosed the dining space. We all knew the answer to that.

Right on cue, Haymitch stumbled out of the bar cart, and made his way over across the dining area to his room. He slammed the door shut behind him, startling Effie a little bit. No one said anything- this was typical of Haymitch. I tried not to let his behavior bother me, and I tried to pretend like the kiss had never happened. What had I expected, anyway?

Pretty soon, we had arrived at District 11. I had spent the last hour on the train being prepared for my big appearance with the stylists. As we made our way out of the train, we were herded into a smaller car, which drove us to the main arena where the ceremony was being held. As we stepped out of the car, there was absolute madness with people swarming around us, and guards from the Capitol trying to keep everything in control. I felt myself becoming smaller and smaller. I suddenly felt someone's arm curl around my waist and guide me through the utter chaos. As I looked to my right, I saw Haymitch pulling me through the crowds, still refusing to look at me. As soon as we had made it, his hand left my waist instantaneously, and I longed for his touch once more. Before I knew it, we were being ushered to the grand stage, where we would have to make our speeches.

I couldn't bear to look at Rue's family, so I let Peeta do the talking. Then, he shocked me. He insisted on giving each of the families one month of our Tribute winnings for the rest of their lives. In that moment, I looked at him, and it was like looking at him for the first time. He looked back at me too, and smiled, sensing how much this would mean to me. As I looked back at Rue's family, I realized I had to say something. I had to say something to honor Rue- I owed her that much. I spoke from my heart, and when I was finished, something happened. An old man in the audience whistled the four-note mockingjay tune that Rue had used in the arena. And then he did something that startled me even more. He raised his arm in the three-finger salute. And soon, everyone in the audience was following him.

We were dragged off of the stage, and as I clung to Peeta from the fear of being separated from him, I noticed the herds of Peacekeepers running in the opposite direction, towards the audience. That's when I heard it. A gunshot, fired clearly and loudly, ringing in my ears. I looked back just in time to see the old man who had whistled fall down to the ground. In the chaos surrounding me, I wanted to be by Haymitch. I tried to search for him, but the Peacekeepers kept forcing us towards the car. Everything around me started to blur, and I could hardly stand up properly. I looked around for Peeta, but he was lost in the crowd as well. I started to fall, and right before I hit the ground, someone managed to catch me. I looked up and from whatever I could make of my hazy vision, I saw Haymitch looking down at me.

"Katniss, you have to stay with me, we need to get out of here!" He kept saying. I felt him lift me and jog towards the car. When I felt the safe leather interiors and Haymitch's arms still wrapped around me, I blacked out.

**I know, really pathetic cliff-hanger ending…but here's the thing. This story is already flawed. I started out with the first chapter thinking that the story would be post-rebellion, but then in my second chapter, I ended up putting Katniss on a train to the Capitol with Cinna dressing her. So here's the plan: I've decided to have the story set right after the first Games, and during the Victory Tour. I've decided to leave Gale and Prim outside of the story for now, because then, I'd just be making things too complicated. But the rest of the story is going to involve more of Haymitch, and I'm gonna switch it up a little bit…anyway, please review on what's there so far, or if you have any suggestions!**


	4. Chapter 4

I woke up hearing noises around me. From what I could tell, I was back on the train, and there were people sitting around me, speaking loudly. They seemed to be arguing about something…my eyelids felt too heavy to lift, and my arms seemed too tired. I let out a slight groan, before the voices all became silent. I could almost feel them starting at me. I felt a warm hand on my forehead, pushing my hair back.

"Katniss?" someone spoke softly, while stroking my hair back.

It was Peeta. I finally managed to open my eyes, and I realized that I was back on the train, safely tucked into my bed. I opened my eyes wider to see Peeta sitting on the bed by my side, and Effie leaning against the door. Haymitch was at the other side of the room, his face washed over with relief as I gained consciousness. I had slight butterflies in my stomach when I saw his reaction, but as I slowly tried to prop myself up against a pillow, I felt a sharp pain instead. I gasped, and Peeta helped me adjust myself against the headboard of the bed. I must've hit my head when I fell down.

Haymitch cleared his throat, and said to the others, "I think I'll talk to Katniss alone for a while," as Peeta slowly stood up and left. Effie still looked worried, but she shuffled outside as well, closing the door behind her. Haymitch looked at me and sighed. I hated feeling so vulnerable and weak…I just wanted to know what had happened. I had seen that man get shot…and when the crowd raised their arms in the salute…it all seemed too synchronized. Haymitch sensed my thoughts, and took a seat next to me on the bed, whilst maintaining a safe distance.

"What's going on, Haymitch?" I asked, wanting to get right to the point.

Haymitch took a moment to think over what he was about to say, before clearing his throat once more.

"Katniss, I can't tell you everything, but you have to trust me. You need to keep up a good show for the rest of the tour. We have to be careful though, after that stunt you pulled with the nightlock berries," he said.

I was becoming more and more confused.

"But…why was that man shot?" I asked, mainly to myself.

Haymitch only raised his eyebrows in return, since he knew that I already knew the answer. Like the nightlock, the salute had been a sign of rebellion- of defiance. And we all knew how the Capitol handled any sort defiance.

"Listen Katniss, all you have to do is keep your relationship convincing with Peeta for the rest of the tour…you have to make it believable," he told me. "For the rest of the tour, you won't be making speeches at the ceremonies…you'll only smile and accept whatever they offer you graciously," he continued. "I need you to stay out of danger, Katniss, and you need to be careful," he said, looking right into my eyes.

I nodded as I held his gaze. He seemed like he wanted to say something, but whatever it was, he held back. He stood up and left, probably on his way over to the bar cart. I hated staying in bed, so I tried to get up. Besides the pain in my head, I was in a good enough condition to take a shower.

Over the next couple of days, we continued our journey through each district. As Haymitch had informed me, we were no longer allowed to make speeches, and we were hurried around everywhere by the Peacekeepers. During the ceremonies itself, there would be Peacekeepers surrounding the stage looking towards the audience, weapons ready. Everything was monitored, and we did not have any privacy until we were boarded back onto the train.

Our last stop, and the one that I was dreading the most, was the Capitol. The last thing I needed was to see Snow's face…my thoughts were interrupted when the stylists knocked on my door, ready to prepare me for my grand appearance. Cinna had chosen a beautiful gown for me to wear that was fiery red, reminding everyone that I was the Girl on Fire. As I stepped out of the train with Peeta by my side, zealous Capitol citizens swarmed around us, eager to congratulate us. It took all that I had to hide my disgust, and replace my grimace with a smile.

Eventually, we were guided into a massive hall. Everywhere around us, people were fluttering around in their ridiculously extravagant outfits. A long table split the room, and was loaded with lavish decorations and appetizers. I stood there as Peeta made conversation with some of the wealthy sponsors. He was good at that, getting people to like him…it was something I had never been too good at. In fact, it was Peeta who had made me desirable to the Capitol, as Haymitch had reminded me before the Games. I hated the fact that I still owed Peeta so much…I hated feeling indebted to anyone. I looked around for a familiar face, but then I remembered where I was. I despised everyone here.

That's when I felt someone's hand on the small of my back. Before I could turn around, I knew who it was. The unmistakable scent of blood…with roses…wafted towards me. _Snow._

"Katniss, Peeta…Welcome," he spoke calmly. As he looked at me, his icy eyes pierced through mine. Peeta said something to him, but I wasn't paying attention. I focused all of my energy on Snow, thinking about how much I despised the man standing in front of me.

"Katniss, would you come with me, I would like to speak with you privately," he said, as if I really had a choice. I didn't reply, I just followed him through the crowds until we arrived at some office. The guards on the outside shut the door behind us, locking me in a room with the one man I hated the most.

"I'm running short on time, so I'll just tell you, Katniss…I have an offer for you. It's an offer that you will hopefully accept, because if you deny it…let's just say that there will be consequences…" he muttered, making my blood boil thick.

What he said after that made me freeze still. I couldn't move. I couldn't even think. It only made my hatred for him rise to a whole new level. Before I could think twice, I lunged towards him, only to have him dodge my grasp. Before I knew it, there were guards holding me back. I didn't yell- I couldn't. I just stood there panting as the guards maintained their grip on me. Snow let a smirk play across his face, telling the guards to let me go. They reluctantly released me, and returned outside, shutting the doors behind them.

"I take it we have a deal, then," Snow whispered.

Before I could do anything, I found my feet running in a random direction. A couple heads turned as I pushed past crowds of Capitol citizens, their accents swarming through my head, blocking my thoughts. I slowed my breathing so that I wouldn't pass out- that was the _last _thing I needed. Then I saw him.

He was standing there, drink in hand, as per usual. Judging by his appearance, he had already had way too much to drink, which was probably his goal. If there was someone who despised Snow more than I did, it would probably by Haymitch. I envied him in that moment. I wanted to drown everything out too. I made my way towards him, and when he saw me, he turned in my direction.

"Enjoying the party, sweetheart?" he slurred, as he leaned against a wall. Then his expression changed. He must've seen the look on my face. I had been shaking, but all of a sudden, I felt oddly calm. His eyes, now a look of genuine concern, bore into mine.

"Snow wants to sell me, Haymitch. He threatened to kill my family if I didn't agree," I said, letting the words sink in, as the world around me crumbled to bits and pieces.


End file.
